Today was a bit odd. I spent the night at Alex's (by the way happy new year?) and last night was crazy. We met Keller at Kel's for breakfast which was good. I feel like such a virgin.

Um...then we went back to Alex's but I felt weird so I left kind of suddenly, I don't know what really came over me but I wanted to be alone. So I drove home and took a really long walk with my dog and shit, that was good. My head is straight now.

We have school tomorrow and it blows simply because its school, and school means work and responsibility= blowage.

word.

 

I park my car, I walk the gravel path up to my old front door— I knock, knock, knock, knock. Four times. The beaten glass bends as my mother opens it from the other side. The customary hugs, foggy eyes my old bedroom, dusty and broken from lack of attention. Old music posters hug its walls, dust kisses the corners and golf clubs fill the barren closet. It is beautiful; it is like a movie. Circumstances turn me around, lead me back to the smoky kitchen where time passes and we sit to eat. Still there are no words, no glances, only the piercing sounds of metal on glass metal on glass—I look up past my mothers hair and see the Christmas tree’s thimble giving off the image of a broken window dancing in the sun on the khaki walls. It is then I realize that I am home, and it is just how I left it. He doesn’t talk to me; he doesn’t look at me. He is there. But I feel a sort of Stockholm syndrome— I understand: quiet empathy.

So as usual, I haven't written in a while. I've been kind of busy I guess, school is being a bitch lately. OOOOH YEAH. I almost got a car this weekend, but it fell through. I was pissssed off it was like perfect, it was a 99 Volkswagen Passat, and it was pretty and fun to drive. Oh well, we're still looking at other ones. No biggie.

Alex and Ryan are dating now, I thought it would have happened earlier, but it didn't...oh well. He seems like a really nice guy and all--he's a senior at JCP and he's prettty fine. mm mm good? ahah no. um um um keller and thomas are fine, i'm glad she's not pregnant. it seems like planned parenthood is the place to be! hot damn, everyone of my friends has gone there within the past 2 weeks. its crazy. jess is supposed to get an appointment to check for STD's and pregnancy. She's also stealing keller to go to hawaii in the beginning of xmas break. I'm supposed to be going to San Antonio in the next couple of weeks, that ought to be interesante. I'm meeting some of my family for the first time, and trust me, there's a lot of family to meet. Full of mescans, wifebeaters, and drunks---we're a wholesome hispanic bunch.

Meredith has introduced me to this guy Tim who seems cool...there is potential...! he's cute, half greek half mexican. best of both worlds. who knows.

Peyton and Racheal get back on Thursday, which makes me happy yet sad. Kels, Fisher and I have gotten really close to Kiran, Katie and Marta and Kels and Fisher think that when they get back home, they'll "ditch" us in a way. I doubt that'll happen, but you never know. Hmm I feel kind of excited though--I love Racheal!! Pey is cool too, so I mean I'm happy about it i guess. Gah i don't know.

I'm going to a Pat Green concert this weekend. Can you say weird?

 

 

There are so many things left

 

to be sewn together, to

 

rip from seams

 

to tie up in a mess that we call

 

a lovely relationship.

 

 

You’re only an echo—a static

 

that I swim through on the lonely

 

nights without the pot,

 

alcohol or shallow assholes

 

that appear at every empty house

 

every hollow weekend that I spend

 

at sixteen.

 

 

I draw a bath topped with foam,

 

become a 35 year old woman,

 

without the cat, seeking redemption

 

and solace in a tub of water mixed with

 

dried soaps and mildew around the

 

caulked tiles,

 

sticking her feet into the faucet

 

finding nothing except jagged

 

metal on metal.

 

 

Babette is running up the stairs,

 

holding on to a chainlink fence

 

that lines the top,

 

I let go

 

and sink into my bubbled oblivion.

So I'm reading White Noise right now; it's pretty interesting--I haven't really been able to grasp a few things in it, its all symbolic.

A blank word document is so

refreshing, lustrous.

Obsolete—it has the potential

of a Harvard graduate;

it can be, say, begin or end

something extraordinary.

 

I have something inside of me

that causes my stomach

to jump up and down like the little

girls of the all too familiar suburbia

with their lace ribbons and their

fair, freckled faces.

 

Thoughts cut like angst through

the clusters of membrane—

everyone is alone, we all die

alone, somewhat forgotten

and disheveled; I miss knowing

ignorance,

I miss knowing that Santa isn’t my mother,

I miss the possibility of finding

someone that blows my mind.

Most of all, I miss my blank word document,

flashes of opportunity fade

with every

little

letter.

 

 

madisen SUCKS